Mind Over Moon

March 24th, 2014

5 Telling Signs That at 26 I Realize I’m Old

Forget the fluffy “my back hurts” woes, let’s get down to the nitty gritty big girl pity party: mid twenties style.

1. I actually read, save, and utilize my CVS coupons

During my hippie loving liberal arts college days, all I could think was how it was a monumental waste of paper. The receipts were 10 freakin’ feet long. I just assumed they were all coupons for useless shit I don’t need, like bunion cream. God forbid I took two seconds to read anything, it’s not like I was reading 100+ pages a day of assigned work. Nowadays I scour, scheme, and strategize based on what coupons I have hoarded into a special compartment in my car. They’re precious to me in a Gollum type of way.

2. I don’t enjoy Snapchat

Sure, I downloaded the shit. I downloaded it because that’s what the kids are doing, and in a moment of weakness I felt like I still identify with the kids. Meanwhile I am teetering on the edge of the target demographic range. Needless to say, I think it’s stupid. My friends send me pictures on it and they’re usually funny or cool and I want to save them, but I can’t. After 10 seconds they disappear into the abyss, for the NSA’s eyes only. Unless you’re 15 and sending nip slips to some douchebag, I really don’t see the point. Just text me a picture.

3. My wardrobe is all black

I could never figure out how people rocked all black without looking like a waiter. Turns out there are variations in texture and cut, so with just the right accent color (white, gray, dark gray, or beige) and a statement jewelry piece, one can achieve Morticia Addams chic in no time. Color me mature.

4. I’m bad at selfies

My arm is always in the most awkward position, the shot never looks as good as it does in the mirror, I can’t figure out how to get the lighting to not be weird, I’m so tall I have to stand really far back to get my entire outfit in the frame, and then I’ll get one I sort of like but oh, wait, shit! …there’s toothpaste residue on the mirror. God damnit. I don’t know how you kids do it, and with alarming regularity at that.

5. I’m vigilant about wearing sunscreen

Mind you, I’m not doing it to prevent skin cancer. I just do it to avoid wrinkles. Don’t get too carried away now… it’s not like I’m 30, jesus.